The Disconnection Saga begins

12 October 2010

My Treehouse Sanctuary [view from the loft]

I am becoming present to the multitude of disconnection logisticae that need to take place. Also, setting in motion the rusty left-brain gears of planning and preparation makes my ears emit smoke rings a bit. There is a tinge of fear and momentary trepidation around surrendering the Sanctuary I have lovingly created for my recovery. It is a perfect space. Truly beautiful and inspiring - soaring ceilings, light-filled..........and it has manifested to order just when I wanted it. And now I am giving it up. To wander through the world with but a backpack.

The material possessions that are no-liquid feel like a burden....again. The comfort and static safety that have served me so well and that I so craved during my recovery phase now feel like something of the past. I need to move. Physically.

As I am manning up to disassembling the life I have created here - life geared for efficiency, comfort and beauty/creativity, a part in me wonders if I should. To my folks in Russia my actions would seem, likely, as pure madness. And I am at peace with that, for they are not the ones walking my path. And through the tinge of trepidation at this "blow up the cage" maneuver, I can see the alternative: staying in the staleness, the sameness. Well, that, my friends, feels a lot scarier in the end. Is there a bigger risk we take than staying on our couch, NOT living our dreams?

I desperately want to live. I want a hermitage from the familiar. Not in a sense of closing off, but in a sense of physically breaking out. Anything routine seems to irritate me - even the silly, mundane things like e-mail and phone-calls. That's just not what I'd rather be doing. It feels like a waste of time, as I am taking care of things that I ultimately do not care so much about. They keep the train of the "already-always" going smoothly. But, bottom line, I don't want to be on that train at this time.

A Mystery School friend has remarked that, perchance, this is the part after the hermetic metamorphosis I've experienced in the past 2 intense years, where the butterfly breaks out of the cocoon. It NEEDS to fly away. This at this point does not feel optional [in the same sense that one experiences when being picked up by a powerful swell - not in a sense of lacking choice]. It feels, this is the part of my "OUGHTNESS."

The inner control freak [an ego subset] wants to orchestrate everything, to plan, to know. And the immutable piece just wants to surrender in the yin element and allow the journey to mold itself - even before boarding the plane. Given that the first way seems to involve inordinate amounts of will-power and struggle, I'm tempted by the later one. Resistance is futile....Today I have re-discovered that idea that my ego always seems to hide under the carpet - IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT! It's time to give that re-emerging inner critic a break and just go with the flow.

The Treehouse Sanctuary I am surrendering